8/4/08

i am going to stop feeling anxious about awkward situations some day i think

1.
some day i am maybe going to meet lydia davis.

all i will want to say to her is kim chinquee's name, i'm certain. i 'feel strongly' that this will be all i want to say.

it will be awkward. there is no way that meeting lydia davis and saying 'kim chinquee' will not be awkward.

lydia davis will know who i am talking about, i'm sure. it will 'be okay' even though i won't have a reason for saying someone's name.

i feel like it is certain that when two people publish together in the same journal they will then know about each other to some degree.

'everyone is paying attention'.

i won't be able to explain to lydia davis that 'i have published kim chinquee in an online journal' i'm sure.

i will want to say 'tao lin' for no reason. the 'reason' will be that a certain group of people all published in the same issue of noon.

being near lydia davis will make me want to be near ann beattie, i know. 'ann beattie kim chinquee tao lin'.

sometimes groups of people all publish in the same journal and 'it doesn't mean anything'.

thinking the names 'lydia davis' or 'ann beattie' and then the names 'tao lin' and 'kim chinquee' will not be helpful to me at all.

sometimes groups of people publish in the same journal and it means only something very small and insignificant unless you happen to be one of a few select people.

if i meet 'lydia davis' and it is 'ann beattie' instead, i will want it to be acknowledged somehow that 'ann beattie' and 'tao lin' have 'important' things in common.

2.
i can read the stories in 'taking care' and the last thing that will make sense is that they were written by joy williams.

the stories in 'taking care' were written by amy hempel.

the stories in 'taking care' were written by mazie louise montgomery.

the stories in 'taking care' were written twenty years ago by ofelia hunt when she was a child who felt like an old lady in her head.

lydia davis and kim chinquee wrote the stories in 'taking care' and it was a book by raymond carver that ann beattie 'edited heavily'.

thinking this while reading 'taking care' will make me want to live in a house with joy williams.

i will want to live in a house with joy williams and for there to be no talking.

instead of talking, joy williams and i will just walk around in different rooms.

i will feel like joy williams is making an effort to walk around quietly. i will think she is doing this so she can hear where i am in the house.

joy williams will be thinking this same thing about me, i know.

i will think it is comforting to live in a house with someone and hear them walking around in a way where you know they are thinking about you.

3.
if anyone wants to submit to bearcreekfeed i will not feel anxious about possibly having to reject you, even though this is an 'awkward situation'.

someone with a blog submitted to bearcreekfeed and blogged about it sort of and now i am blogging that i have not replied to the submission.

i have not decided about the submission. i might be 'rejecting' the submission but i have not decided.

this is probably not 'significant in any way'. i just feel like typing about this right now.

with other people who i have had to reject at bearcreekfeed, everything has gone well.

i feel 'closer' and 'more attached' to those people now. this is a 'genuine' and 'honest' feeling. it might be 'mutual' i'm not sure.

i am 'slowly defeating feeling anxious in awkward situations' i think.

'feeling anxious in awkward situations' will be defeated by the end of this post maybe.

'feeling anxious in awkward situations' is the theme of someone's blog or novel.

'feeling anxious in awkward situations' is always slowly being defeated.

'feeling anxious in awkward situations' is the same feeling as 'slowly being defeated', i'm sure.