9/17/08
i want out
yesterday i was looking in the mirror
i felt neutral in a life-affirming way
at noon it felt like noon
and our text message break-up was simple
a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do
i'm hardly ever 'overcome' by my feelings
at work the mexican called me a muchacho
i felt out-of-control excited
and it felt like feeling neutral
you make me feel bad
and it feels uncomfortable
i don't know
today i looked in the mirror
and i felt like no one
my hair wasn't supposed to do what it was doing
i got on the bus
a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do
and today i feel like no one
that means that i feel like i am not alive
it feels like 7:59
i woke up at 5:40 and it felt like much later
at work joel said he had to quit because he has high blood pressure
he said 'i'm fat'
i wanted to tell him he is nice
our text message break-up was scary
i felt excited
you make me feel bad
and it feels like feeling neutral in a drastic, unforgiving way
today i feel like no one
and for three consecutive days i experienced a heightened state of social comfort
i forget
gay ass
i keep thinking about how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'
so i'm going to sleep
but not before i eat as much healthy shit as possible
because i need to be obsessed with something
you make me feel stupid
and it feels like all my insecurities
the physical effects of our friendship
include staring at inanimate objects at a higher frequency than usual
and all i can think about is how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'
i don't know if my hair is turning out the way i thought it would
i looked in the mirror
i felt like no one
this morning i took the bus
i felt so neutral i wanted to talk to anyone
this morning i looked in the mirror
and i felt like it would be night tonight
the volume of the tv is on '1'
i keep thinking 'most amazing poem ever'
and it feels like 8:36
i'm going to sleep
gay ass
i keep imagining the existence of a line that creates out-of-control something
i feel neutral in a life-affirming way
a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do
our text message break-up was perfect
last night i turned off my laptop
and i thought 'that was bold of me'
tonight you were in my kitchen talking a lot
you left
i woke up at 5:40 and it felt like much later
i took the bus
the volume of the tv is on '1'
i feel small
the physical effects of our friendship
include orgasm and alcohol consumption
take my picture
because i want to see that i've been tagged in a photo on facebook
i might be obsessed with my idea of our text message break-up
and all i can think about is how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'
i don't know if my hair is turning out the way i thought it would
i don't know anything about right and wrong
i'm afraid our text message conversations
like i'm afraid of the internet literary community
. . .it feels like being afraid of meaninglessness
the only thing i can ever hope for is to become obsessed with my idea of something
today i couldn't stop eating
it felt productive
i feel neutral in a neutral way
i'm tired of reading your myspace bulletins
the physical effects of considering the idea of our friendship include teeth-clenching
a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do
it felt like our text message break-up
today i felt happy
it felt like a genuine fear of sadness
i'm half awake
. . .need to be obsessed with something
i feel happy
and it feels like a genuine fear of a genuine fear of sadness
our text message break-up was really good
i can finally take you off my friends list
when i looked in the mirror today
i sarcastically felt like someone
i see myself as 'hardcore'
bitch hat
take my photo i'll decide if i can put it on my myspace profile
or if you can draw a portrait of it
the physical effects of our friendship include hair-twirling
i feel so neutral i want to kill myself
i feel happy
and it feels like a serious fear of sadness
it feels like the year i studied abroad
i don't know
i don't expect this phase to last long
maybe a week
i feel like i can write a novel about this feeling
and stop feeling like this a week later
sometimes even scooping the cat's shit out of the litter box feels symbolic of my entire life
in a beautiful way
and i'm hardly ever 'overcome' by my feelings anymore
and when i am i don't notice it
i don't know