9/17/08

i want out


yesterday i was looking in the mirror

i felt neutral
in a life-affirming way

at noon it felt like noon

and our text message break-up was simple

a month ago i thought writing
a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do

i'm hardly ever 'overcome' by my feelings

at work the mexican called me a muchacho

i felt out-of-control excited

and it felt like feeling neutral

you make me feel bad

and it
feels uncomfortable

i don't know


today i looked in the mirror

and i felt
like no one

my hair wasn't supposed to do what it was doing

i got
on the bus

a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do

and today i feel like no one

that means that i feel like i am not alive

it
feels like 7:59

i woke up at 5:40 and it felt like much later

at work joel said he had to quit because he has high blood pressure

he said
'i'm fat'

i wanted to tell him he is nice


our
text message break-up was scary

i felt excited

you make me feel bad

and it feels like feeling neutral
in a drastic, unforgiving way

today i feel like no one

and for three consecutive days i experienced a heightened state of social comfort

i forget

gay ass

i keep thinking about how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'

so
i'm going to sleep

but not before i eat as much healthy shit as possible

because i need to be obsessed with something


you make me
feel stupid

and it feels like all my insecurities

the physical effects of our friendship

include staring at
inanimate objects at a higher frequency than usual

and
all i can think about is how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'

i don't know if my hair
is turning out the way i thought it would

i looked
in the mirror

i felt like no one

this
morning i took the bus

i felt so neutral i wanted
to talk to anyone

this morning i looked in the mirror

and i felt like it would be night tonight


the volume of the tv is on '1'

i keep
thinking 'most amazing poem ever'

and it feels like 8:36

i'm going to sleep

gay ass

i keep imagining the existence of a line that creates out-of-control something

i feel neutral
in a life-affirming way

a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do

our
text message break-up was perfect

last night i turned off my laptop

and i thought 'that was bold of
me'

tonight you were in my kitchen talking a lot

you left


i woke up at 5:40 and it felt like much later

i took the bus

the volume of the tv is on '1'

i feel small

the physical effects of our friendship

include orgasm and alcohol consumption

take my picture

because
i want to see that i've been tagged in a photo on facebook

i might
be obsessed with my idea of our text message break-up

and all i can think about is how i want to write 'the most amazing poem ever'

i don't know if my hair is turning out the way i thought it would

i don't know anything about right and wrong

i'm afraid
our text message conversations

like i'm afraid of the internet literary community

. . .it feels like
being afraid of meaninglessness


the only thing i can ever hope for is to become obsessed with my idea of something

today i couldn't stop eating

it felt productive

i feel neutral in a neutral way

i'm tired of reading your myspace bulletins

the physical effects of considering
the idea of our friendship include teeth-clenching

a month ago i thought writing a novel was the only meaningful thing i could do

it felt like our text message break-up

today
i felt happy

it felt like a genuine fear of sadness

i'm half awake

. . .need to be
obsessed with something


i feel happy

and it feels like a genuine fear of a genuine fear of sadness

our text message break-up was really good

i can finally take
you off my friends list

when i
looked in the mirror today

i sarcastically felt like someone

i see myself as 'hardcore'

bitch hat

take my photo i'll decide if i can put it on my myspace profile

or
if you can draw a portrait of it

the physical effects of our friendship include hair-twirling

i feel so neutral
i want to kill myself


i feel happy

and it
feels like a serious fear of sadness

it feels like the year i studied abroad

i don't know

i don't expect this phase to last long

maybe a week

i feel like i can write a novel about this feeling

and stop feeling like this a week later

sometimes even scooping the cat's shit out of the litter box feels
symbolic of my entire life

in a beautiful way

and i'm hardly ever 'overcome' by my feelings anymore

and when i am i don't notice it

i don't know